I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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