there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Randomize
