Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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