he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
i've created a new STD.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Randomize
