i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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