He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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