I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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