i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Drunk is a universal language darling
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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