I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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