so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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