Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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