Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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