Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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