You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
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