Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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