tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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