(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Randomize
