I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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