Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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