I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
