I CAN MOONWALK!
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
