Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
