dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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