the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
