I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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