Fuck appropriateness.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
