I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
