wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
