Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
