So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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