are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
You may now shotgun with the bride
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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