New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
zippers are such a cool invention
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
