I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize