Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
false alarm, still single
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
