The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
