Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
