Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
why does every cop we meet know your name?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
