I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
