Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
the raccoons are back...
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