it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
You smell like a Billy Joel song
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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