when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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