He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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