I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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