Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
