so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
