If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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