the condom got lost in my hair
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
