So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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