needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
