Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
she told me i tasted like america
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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