new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize