My cat gives me a boner
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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