My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
