I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Are we still banned from the library?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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