That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
