New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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