Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
