Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
