im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
