how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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