He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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