I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize