Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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