K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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