I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
