I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
