my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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