I just pynch a tree in the face
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
