hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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