I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
