someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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