I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
