i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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