Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Randomize
